“Free at last, Free at last, Thank God almighty I’m free at Last.” In the midst of committing suicide at age forty-four, my mind paraphrased those famous words, spoken long ago by Martin Luther King, Jr.
I’ve intentionally used the phrase, “committed suicide,” as opposed to attempted suicide because I actually succeeded. Both EMT’s and hospital doctors declared me dead, twice, and I vividly remember “Seeing the Light.” That Light was definitely coming from the Heavens, since it appeared in the distinct shape of a cross—not simply a bright light.
The Light frightened me. I wanted to escape or back away from it, as it continued to get closer. The final recollection I had was of my eyes fluttering, then slowly opening, and the ability to see returning. The Light then evaporated. The feeling that remained was of God’s being angry with me for trying to take my life, and making that final decision my own, and not His.
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For those of you who’ve never wondered why God chose to put you on this Earth, you are lucky. From a toddler I knew I wasn’t among the lucky ones.
I’d wanted to die since a toddler, born to parents who never wanted a child. To them, I was an inconvenience and an object that continued to get in the way of the lives they actually wanted to live. In order to make me pay for being alive, they chose to abuse me in every imaginable—and some unimaginable—ways.
Life didn’t improve over the years, or even decades, and I continually questioned what I’d ever done to God to allow life to treat me the way it was.
I asked Him to please send a message, anything, that could explain what I’d done. I seemed to be doing nothing more than taking up unnecessary space on the planet. His answer came in a way I never imagined, and the answer was truly a miracle.
Priests, therapists, and psychologists have time and again said, “Consider writing your life' story. You’ve attempted suicide twice, maybe more, but your body won’t allow you to die, no matter how hard you try. The reason has to be that God wants you to accomplish a goal—not yet apparent to any of us. But when the time is ready, He’ll let you know.
“We believe with God’s intervention and by telling your story, you’ll help many people who think their lives can’t get any better. Don’t give up yet, since much is expected of you.”
Despite their pleas, I remained hesitant to reveal my life for the world to see, knowing that by doing so I’d only be opening myself to more questions and unwarranted criticism.
By all accounts, I should have died almost thirty years ago, and know that it’s only because of God’s will that I’m still alive. Priests have given me the Last Rites twice, and both time I’ve come back from the dead.
In light of those facts, I’ve reconsidered my decision about writing my story.
My autobiography is based upon religious principals, in which I believe all people are placed upon the Earth to accomplish a particular goal that God has in mind for us. That goal won’t become apparent until He is ready to reveal it to us. No matter how difficult or dangerous our life may be, or have been, we are to then decide whether we want to follow the path fate has put before us.
Hopefully, my experiences will let you see your lives as they truly are and can be, and enable you to notice the humorous side that often comes out of much sadness.
Not wanting to sound too serious, I must add that I have so many things for which to be proud and thankful, as you most likely also do—if given proper reflection. And, after much contemplation, I’ve seen how my story has followed over several decades of preordained destiny.